Recently, I have been subjected to a major crisis and a major miracle. The crisis revolves around my ever decreasing source of revenue while the miracle is being experienced vicariously through a friend. I find these two often go hand-in-hand, the crisis carrying the promise of a miracle to come... albeit undefined.
The familiar panic has been invading every facet of life from strange and out of control dreams to a constant and ambiguous anxiety that sits in my chest right in the middle of my rib cage. It is a situation that I have become well familiar with over the years. I call it the: You Can't Afford This phase. And although I generally acknowledge that I cannot afford something and move on with it any way, there always comes a point where my situation literally beats me over the head and forces me to regard my situation with a sigh and drop of the shoulders. Usually in the form of an unexpected bill falling in my lap and smiling up at me "All done Karyn, all done". We have all been here.
But this is not the struggle.
I have been here before and know how to cut back and find work I'd rather not do. I have done it before and will do it again. The struggle is in the real losses of the things that are given up and the questions that it it prompts: Can I do this alone? Am I capable of seeing this through? Will I rise to the occasion or fail? Will I even attempt...?
After a year of many successes I can't help but wonder about what Phase 2 will look like. Enter The Miracle.
Less than 7 days after I began to wrestle with "Oh woe is me" my lack of resources I was informed by a friend that the impossible had, without effort or warning, happened. The impossible has shaken my foundation of reality, as I am sure it did the friends, to the core. It makes no sense and there is no wrapping the brain around it. The point is that the impossible has happened. So, can it not happen again?
I some times feel like life is more than just a jumble of chaotic happenings. Random chances. Things happen around me with a bizarre symmetry that compliments the other in a manner that I just cannot believe is completely random.
When we are making progress is when we are most vulnerable. It is so easy to give up. Especially, as is my case, if we were so good at running away before the journey started.
My reactions run deep. But they are just reactions. And I find that if I sit with them, more often than not they dissipate into the void from which they came and if I wait and am quiet, the solution appears and takes me into a new experience and way of being. An experience that would have been lost if not for these extreme situations.
I am making a conscious effort to stop the fear reactions and look at my situation from another perspective. The perspective of miracles and impossible things: the perspective of opportunity.
What opportunities lie in the guise of this crisis? What new thing am I about to learn? Where can I be grateful?
I can honestly say that I do not have all the answers BUT I can see the opportunity for greater independence and a definite change in direction. And I can find many things to be grateful for. The chance to experience all of this being at the top of the list.
So I put this challenge to you: What opportunities are piggy-backing the things that you fear most? What if your efforts actually worked? How can you take a step towards those impossible things? Those things of dreams that come clothed in nightmares? Can you find something in your crisis to be thankful for? Can you move ahead?
I sit here and type this and make my plans for the future. A future where cutting things out also means putting things in. A future where my crisis walks hand-in-hand with my miracle.
No comments:
Post a Comment